Why? Why continue when the struggle is constant. When this uphill climb to the unknown is steep and god knows where it will lead. You fall and then you pick up. You fall again and you pick up again. Torn. Pick up the pieces that make-up all the courage you have. To be creative. To think some more. To have better ideas. Bigger ideas. Grand ideas. So I ask again. Why?
Is it for the fame? Recognition? Respect? Is it for the money? Status. Big cars and big houses? Is that the goal? Even then, there is a system. That system. The one you try to work around, with all its' rules and regulations. Politically correct. Communication, they call it. And you try not enter the system. Tiptoe around it because you know that if you win, you might sell out. That was what tore you apart. Back then. And now? Not now. Because now you know. It was not for the fame or the big cars. It was about the message. The same one that shines as clear as a summers' day. The one that feeds your appetite and quenches your thirst. The one that says that we all belong. Somewhere, to someone. You belong. That in this crazy ass adventure you call life, you tried your hardest to live, right on the edge. Having given it your damn well all.
That is how it used to feel. That is how it feels now. And so the hunger stays strong, because you must to take care of the people you love. Through the system. Ok. If fame must pour over you like hot glue and wads of money suck all the air in the room. If you can still be respected. So be it. When you get the power you have so hungered for, and deserve, remember to be true to your word. Remember to take care of the people you love. Remember that there are not enough awards in the world that can replace them.
From a young age, I have had a fascination with words. Initially, I liked what they sounded like. Over time I found that I liked what they looked like. Eventually, what I liked most about them, was how they made me feel. Words, not sentences. Sentences I don't really like. I find them to be cunning. Over meaning. Indulgent. As a teenager, my favourite word had been 'Serendipity'. That was before the movie by the way. Defined in the dictionary as: 'The occurrence and development of events by chance in a happy or beneficial way'. How hopeful of me.
As the years have moved on and I have had the chance to experience some more of the words our human culture has manifested I have come to find that some of them were not what I had thought they would crack up to be. Like the word 'Love' for example. So overpromising and underdelivering. A word dipped in gooey hyperbole. Hollywood sham bottox bloated Valentine's day red rose, no I love you more, empty hot air balloon. A word that somehow takes precedent over other, larger words. Words like Respect, like Kindness, like Truth. Or that other word. That almighty, ever fearing, ever encompassing word. Responsible for the death of millions, trillions, gazillions: 'God'. Such a small word with such a troubled meaning. A word that when spoken, for some might conjure images of clouds and bearded old men but that in reality, over the centuries has evoked only rage and territorialism. A competition of whose is bigger. Your 'God' or my 'God'. Oh, my God. And a new word. Or rather a new meaning of it. 'Crisis'. A word that I have heard over and over and over the last 10 years. A word that has broken the backs of almost all the people I know. Myself included. A justification for bad policies and bad behaviour. 'But it's because there is a Crisis'. 'Ever since the Crisis'. 'They say it's the end of the Crisis'. What Crisis? Economic? Ethical? Spiritual? All of the above? Does anyone know?
As I write this blog entry, I find myself unfocused and unable to really pinpoint what it is I am trying to say. Maybe what I am trying to say is that we should be careful of our words. That in this new world that we live in we can no longer be led by our instinctive predispositioned understanding of them. We must be able to review them anew. To define them again. To loosen their hold over us, because it seems these days that sticks and stones will break your bones and words might also break you.