Grief

This year something happened that I had been expecting. This year something happened I that I had prepared for. This year something happened that I had accepted. This year my mother died. I'd like to say that there was some relief. I'd like to say that there was closure. I'd like to say that there was peace. Really, what I'd like to say, is that I want her back. All in one piece. With her ironic tone and full whit. I want to be annoyed by her pestering and angry at her jokes. I want to tell her that I'm all grown up now and I can do as I please. But please, I'd really just like her back. Time will heal they said and so I'm waiting, but it all feels upside down and inside out. It's like I lost my compass and the sun hasn't come out. She always pissed me off. She was opinionated and egocentric, a real pain in the ass. I bet if I called her now she'd say 'stop feeling sorry for yourself and get on with it' and I'd get pissy and then get back on track. At this point, there's nothing to be said of grief. No big lesson, no wise words. All I want to say is that I miss her and that I'll always be her little girl.

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